{"id":482,"date":"2010-12-31T19:57:31","date_gmt":"2011-01-01T00:57:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/johnstrawn.com\/?p=482"},"modified":"2010-12-31T19:57:31","modified_gmt":"2011-01-01T00:57:31","slug":"nostradamus-discovered-back-on-earth-happiest-man-on-earth-actually-recycled-seer","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/theaposition.com\/johnstrawn\/golf\/personalities\/482\/nostradamus-discovered-back-on-earth-happiest-man-on-earth-actually-recycled-seer","title":{"rendered":"Nostradamus Discovered Back on Earth. Happiest Man on Earth Actually Recycled Seer."},"content":{"rendered":"

I recently spotted a picture of my brother-in-law, Lee Barrett\u2014the guy I called the Happiest Man on Earth when he was invited at the last minute to play in the Oakmont member-guest last summer\u2014 staring at me from the cover of an old issue of a newsstand tabloid, the \u201cAll New Sun.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>

The Old Nostradamus<\/p><\/div>\n

\u201cFound,\u201d shouted the headline: \u201cShroud of Nostradamus.\u201d \u00a0\u201cScientists,\u201d the Sun reported, had reconstituted the old Frenchman\u2019s face from the ghostly shadows of the shroud.\u00a0 And sure enough, the scowling face glaring out from the cover was unquestionably Lee\u2019s.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n

When I showed him the picture in the Sun, Lee immediately dropped any pretense and confessed.\u00a0 \u201cYes, it\u2019s true.\u00a0 I am the second coming of Nostradamus, but with all these self-anointed pundits on FOX and MSNBC, what\u2019s the point of any genuine<\/em> predicting these days? \u00a0There\u2019s way too much noise in the prognosticating game.\u00a0 I\u2019m waiting for my moment to arrive.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ve done well keeping your secret,\u201d I told him.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t want to sound too gloomy,\u201d he acknowledged, \u201cbut the truth is, I gotta tell you, this planet is in for a world of hurt.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou have anything specific,\u201d I wondered?\u00a0 \u201cAnd by the way, who you got in the BCS?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve got a few bucks on the Duckies, but not even Nostradamus can move the line these days.\u00a0\u00a0 Long-term, though, football\u2019s nothing.\u00a0 Golf\u2019s the lever that moves the world.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThink about it.\u00a0 I have a reputation for being grumpy\u2014true?\u201d<\/p>\n

No argument there.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know why?\u00a0 \u00a0For the simple truth is, once you learn to play golf, your life will take a very dark turn. \u00a0\u00a0That is a certifiable true prediction\u2014take it to the bank.\u00a0 \u00a0Proof? \u00a0You\u2019ve seen the proof.\u00a0 \u00a0Not even Nostradamus is immune from the shanks, even when I can see them coming!\u201d<\/p>\n

It\u2019s true\u2014Nostra\u2026.I mean, Lee, gets a bad case of the laterals once or twice a summer.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo when I should be thinking about when the next bubble is gonna burst or when the world\u2019s gonna end, what am I thinking about instead?\u00a0 Can I hit this wedge without enduring the agony of a flair into the woods?\u00a0\u00a0 No seer should ever pick up a golf club.\u00a0 Even prophets need to be in the moment.\u201d<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>

The New Nostradamus....Once Known as The Happiest Man on Earth.<\/p><\/div>\n

There was a faraway look in the recycled sage\u2019s eyes.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd I will tell you something else that\u2019s top secret,\u201d he went on.\u00a0 \u201cYou know the Chinese are mad for golf these days, right?\u00a0\u00a0 You think that happened by accident?\u00a0\u00a0 All those big minds in US intelligence circles\u2014the ones who got laid off after we won the war in Iraq\u2014 have been working on the secret golf initiative for years.\u00a0\u00a0 Not even the Wikileakers could find this one. \u00a0\u00a0It\u2019s based on a simple line of reasoning: golf and happiness are profoundly incompatible.\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0And there is nothing else that can impede the long Chinese march toward world economic domination.\u00a0 Only golf can deflect them.\u00a0 Golf is like one of those brain parasites that changes your personality.\u00a0 It\u2019s has the kind of power that makes a mouse look for a cat to play with.\u201d<\/p>\n

Tom Friedman, you are so wrong.\u00a0 \u00a0The world isn\u2019t flat\u2014it has at last three feet of borrow. \u00a0<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s obvious, isn\u2019t it,\u201d Lee continued.\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cNixon\u2019s ping pong diplomacy was a feint, a ruse, a Trojan horse.\u00a0\u00a0 They were trying to infiltrate golf into the inner circles, and ping pong was a stalking horse, a way to convince the Chinese that sport was an instrument of good will.\u00a0 And once they bought into that, bam! Here comes golf.\u00a0\u00a0 The CIA has been sending golf pros, golf course architects, and all kinds of golf officials to China as part of its undercover strategy to subvert the party leadership.\u00a0 Golf takes their minds off policy and right into the bunker. \u00a0When they\u2019re worrying about the yips and fretting over shanks, the annual growth rate of the economy\u2019s an afterthought.\u00a0\u00a0 Their heads will be so full they won\u2019t be able to even remember why they cornered the market on African minerals.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lee looked up, smiling.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u201cYou want to know the future?\u00a0 Here\u2019s my prediction: as soon as there are two or three million Chinese golfers\u00a0heading for the links, the growth of that economy will shut down faster than Tiger Woods hearing a shutter click.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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