The A List: Golf Stories We’d Like To See (April Fool’s Edition)

1980’s Hair Band “Warrant” to Play on First Tee at The Masters

If only!

It’s that time of year [2011] when the writers at The A Position take even more liberties than usual and make up entirely—and intentionally—fictitious stories. In honor of April Fool’s Day, they take pen in hand (and insert tongue firmly in cheek) to scoop the rest of the media with news from the world of golf that they’d like to see but probably won’t. Unfortunately.

Joining TAP writers this month is heavy metal legend Joey Allen, lead guitarist of the band Warrant (that’s him, left, immediately after taking a double bogey). The band’s “Cherry Pie” was a Top Ten hit on the Billboard Hot 100 in 1990 and was named the 56th best hard rock song of all time by VH1. This rock anthem has been featured and/or spoofed on such TV shows as Two and A Half Men, How I Met Your Mother, South Park, My Name is Earl, Kitchen Confidential, and a MAD TV parody called “Lap Dancing with the Stars.” Warrant will release a brand-new album later this year.

Allen, an avid golfer, says, “There’s a golfer in every band—RATT, KISS, Poison, they all play golf.” The A Position responds, “There’s also a band in every golfer—not one you necessarily want to hear, but a band.”

Neck Tattoos Replacing Collared Shirts at Upscale Golf Properties

I remember playing golf once with a very well known drummer from a famous band (who also happened to be married to a well-known hottie from Baywatch) and having the guys in the pro shop tell him that his shorts and surf shirt weren’t appropriate for the course. So he picked a few pieces of clothing off the rack and tried them on right there in the middle of the shop. And he was, how shall I say, riding bareback at the time. So I love the idea of a story that pokes a finger in the eye of the convention of having to wear certain kinds of clothes for golf.
—Joey Allen, Lead Guitarist, Warrant

Leaked Docs Prove Rules Created to Keep Amateurs Down

A surprising number of the documents obtained, and leaked, by WikiLeaks reveal that the United States Golf Association and the Royal and Ancient Golf Club have been using rules developed centuries ago and updated annually to keep amateurs and players new to the game from fully enjoying golf. As one leaked letter, dated April 1, 1894, notes, “It’s imperative that golf, as a pursuit of enjoyment, remain penal for the common man, and all women, alike.” While no one from either organization has responded, recent documents suggest that an exclusionary ethos is still enforced. “In the early 2000s we knew ball technology could eventually make the game easier for everyone,” wrote one un-cited USGA official. “So we spread a rumor claiming that older courses were too short, coined the phrase ‘Tiger Rules,’ and now those poor saps with their 15 and 20 handicaps clamor to play longer courses than ever before.”

—Jason Kerkmans,

Masters Adopts New Logo

As another initiative to grow golf worldwide and beyond, Augusta National Golf Club Chairman Billy Payne announced a major change to the Masters logo. For generations, the Masters has been identified with a registered mark depicting the continental United States with a flagstick and cup centered over Georgia. But beginning with the 2012 Masters, a new logo will center the flagstick and cup atop a multicolored Earth. In a statement, Payne said: “For years, we have heard comments from patrons and players alike that our logo was outdated given the fact that Alaska and Hawaii—both admitted to statehood after the first Masters—were omitted. But due to thread-count issues, incorporating those states into the design would have been impractical. The new logo is symbolic of our aspiration to grow the game not only around the world but throughout the solar system.” A former president of Atlanta’s 1996 Olympics Games Committee, Payne admitted the new logo will pose an adjustment for some. “Despite concerns raised by eBay users, it will serve the Masters well.”
—Terry Moore,

New Performance Shampoo Guarantees to Add 13 Yards to Your Drives

Following the huge success of such items as performance tees and performance socks guaranteed to improve your game, a new performance shampoo formulated with a balata base and ingredients including fescue seed, California Sensimilla, and gunga galunga promises to add 13 yards to the drives of golfers who use it once a day for two weeks. (Note: Not ten yards, or 15 yards. 13 yards!) It also promises to deliver total consciousness on your deathbed. Which is nice. The product, called “Gee, Your Drive Smells Terrific,” works by refracting sunlight, air currents, and static electricity off the golfer’s hair and focusing it behind the club head at the top of the swing, where it works to deliver more power at impact. The inventors of GYDST are currently working on a comparable product for bald men, called “Gee, Your Bald Pate is Blinding Me But Here’s 13 Extra Yards.”

—Jeff Wallach,

“Shot Values” Now More Significant

Recent reports of a fatal shooting at a public course in Florida have quickly spawned an innovation to match: Baggers, a Keokuk, Iowa-based firm, has released a golf bag with an easy-access holster. Called the 2AS—an acronym for Second Amendment Special—it not only holds the usual golf paraphernalia but also features Heat-Pack™, a demountable sheath for your sidearm. “The genius of 2AS’s design is the balance of concealment and quick access,” said Baggers spokesman Damjan Beinlich. “Let’s face it, if it takes you a couple of extra seconds to retrieve your car keys, no big thing. This is different.” Asked whether this might lead from petty disputes about, say, slow play to deadly confrontations, Beinlich would only say, “Guns don’t kill golfers, golfers kill golfers.” He added that Heat-Pack™ also holds ammunition clips for situations where a golfer needs to “protect the field.” Current plans are confined to carry bags, since, as Beinlich points out, “With a cart, you may be too far away to make a difference anyway. Future models, however, may come with belt clips.”

—Tom Harack,

USGA Overhauls Rules of Golf

In an effort to stem the mass exodus of golfers symbolically turning in their handicap cards, the USGA today announced a total revision of the Rules of Golf as well as an immediate partnership with the Alternative Golf Association, whose new game—the more relaxed and player friendly FLOGTON—is taking the industry by storm. There is also speculation that golfer John Daly will be appointed president of the combined organizations, now dubbed USGAGA. Daly’s apparel company, Loudmouth Golf, had no comment when word leaked that an updated dress code for players and Officials would be adopted. After years of sliding revenues and declining interest, USGA President Fred Ridley reasoned, “Well, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.” Protests are expected but the USGA says all appeals must be submitted to Golf House where they’ll be added to the 8,977-page Decisions on the Rules of Golf.

—Janina Jacobs,

Private Clubs Throw Doors Open to the Public

Across the country, private golf clubs—long considered bastions of exclusivity—are allowing nonmembers to play their courses. Kenneth E. Tavistock, IV, president of the National Association of Elite Clubs, announced, “We are pleased as punch that we can do something to lift the spirits of less fortunate Americans in this time of widespread economic hardship.” The latest clubs to join the rapidly growing list of clubs open to the public are Cypress Point, Augusta National, and Winged Foot. The movement began when Mortimer G. Wellborn, a member of Shinnecock Hills, looked out over the empty links and said to his cronies on the terrace, “Such a shame that nobody plays here. I’m sure there are any number of low net-worth individuals who would jump at the chance!” Wellborn admitted that he and many other Shinnecock members felt “rather guilty about keeping the place to themselves.” Tavistock concurred that feelings of guilt were widespread among members of his organization. “We’re constantly asking ourselves why we should enjoy such lush, opulent courses when other golfers don’t. After all, we all belong to the great fraternity of golfers. When we see the excitement in Joe Sixputt’s eyes as he stands on the first tee, well, it puts a lump in my throat just to talk about it.”

—Stephen Goodwin,

Golf Pros Told To Slow Down

Following the successful implementation of two-stroke penalties and $100,000 fines for playing too slowly, golfers on the professional tours have been advised by tour officials to slow things down. Pushing for this reversal in policy are TV executives, whose weekly golf broadcasts were ending too early, forcing them to fill 30 to 60 minutes every Saturday and Sunday with inane “State of the Game” panel discussions. However, a newly formed organization called WASP—Wives Against Slow Play—applauds the unprecedented picking up of the pace, noting that with tournaments ending earlier, husbands have been spotted mowing the lawn and doing other chores rather than snoring in their Barcaloungers.

—James A. Frank,

Charlie Sheen Calls for Fans to Boycott TV on “Play Golf Instead Day.”

Vowing revenge on Warner Brothers and CBS, recently fired Two and A Half Men star Charlie Sheen has come up with the perfect counterattack—golf. “Hey, the golf industry’s been hurting ever since the stupid media made that stupid thing out of Tiger Wood’s womanizing,” noted Sheen, who famously lives with two young women known collectively as the Goddesses. “Like me, Tiger got a bum rap. I mean everyone knows I drink Tiger’s blood, not sure what he drinks, maybe Gatorade, but it was clearly working.” After rambling incoherently for several minutes, Sheen returned to the topic at hand. “15 million people each week tuned in to see me crack wise, and that’s not counting Argentina, where my show is called ‘Dos Hombres y Medio.’ Hey, I bet Angel Cabrera watches it!” After a brief discussion of Argentinean history and politics, and other countries where he is a huge star, including China (好汉两个半), Finland (Kaks ja pool meest), and France (Mon Oncle Charlie), Sheen returned to his idea for Play Golf Instead Day. “So imagine if I told my 15 million fans to skip prime time and play golf instead? Good for golf, bad for CBS. It’s a win-win.” When reminded that CBS airs the Masters, and that an uptick in golf popularity might actually help the network, Sheen responded mysteriously, “Augusta National? I’m in talks to buy that place.”
—Larry Olmsted,

Instruction Finally Clicks: Massive Improvement In Golfers Worldwide

For reasons that totally perplex officials, publishers, and instructors, golfers worldwide have made incredible improvements in their games. USGA figures show that the average handicap has fallen from 15 last summer to 2, with most golfers now playing at scratch or better. Said USGA spokesperson Fred McGurtle, “Our best guess is after decades and decades of the same old instructional tips, golfers finally got it.” Reports from other golf associations confirm that the sudden and startling improvement—near perfection, in fact—has spread worldwide. Brewster Dumply, a member of the Snake Canyon Country Club in Idaho, is typical of the trend. “I mean, last year I was a 22 and hadn’t broken 90 since the first Clinton Administration. Then I was watching Dave Pelz on bunker play and that thing people like him always talk about, the credit card stuff, which I’ve seen at least two thousand times. But in a flash, it made sense and boy howdy, I’m up and down from the sand 85 percent of the time.” Dumply now plays to a plus-2. Sales of instructional books have virtually halted, as have renewal rates for Golf Digest and Golf Magazine. And as of last December, Golf Channel instructional shows posted Nielsen ratings of 0.0. Since January, reports from PGA professionals suggest that the demand for lessons has also vanished. “After all of this time and futile repetition we thought we’d have lifetime employment,” noted one former instructor. “Since most golfers are now happy with their games—and competitive with the pros—we’re about as useful as teats on a boar.”

—Jay Stuller,

Restrictions on Number of Clubs To Be Lifted

The United States Golf Association announced today that it will take a request to the Royal & Ancient Golf Club that the Rules of Golf be changed to eliminate all restrictions on equipment and to not limit the number of clubs to 14. “We feel it’s time for us to join the 21st century,” new USGA executive director Mike Davis said. Some journalists have questioned the timing of the USGA announcement after word leaked out that a group of equipment manufacturers had donated $20 million to the USGA. This report could not be confirmed. The R&A declined to comment, but one London golf writer did mention that some manufacturers from the U.S. had gathered at the Old Course recently to play golf. After hearing the report, Dennis Cone of the Professional Caddies Association,” said, “If the players elect to put too many more clubs in their bags, we may have to ask the PGA Tour to allow players to use golf carts as they do now on the Champions Tour.” Architect Pete Dye said, “If the reports are true, I’m certainly glad that I stretched my design at French Lick to more than 8,000 yards.”

—James McAfee,

Grass Is Greener In Heaven, Too

In January 2000, Jerry Tarde wrote a wonderful piece in Golf Digest about Henry Longhurst, the legendary golf commentator for the BBC, and his friend, flying ace and World War II hero Sir Douglas Bader. Longhurst, who by the late 1970s was dying of cancer, turned to Bader one night during one of their gin-drinking sessions and asked, “I’ve always wondered: Will the grass be greener on the other side?” The question hung in the air. Longhurst died that week. Months later, a clairvoyant approached Bader in London. “I have a message from a friend of yours in the spirit world named Henry,” she said. “Tell Bader the grass is greener on the other side.” Emboldened, I reached out to Longhurst myself. And do you know what he told me in last week’s séance? “The grass is indeed greener on the other side, laddie, but technology has made the game too bloody predictable up here. We’ve all gone to hell where they’re still using (fire-proofed) persimmon woods, forged blades, and wound balls. The 19th Hole’s a lot more fun down here, too.”

—Brian McCallen,

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