(Photo courtesy of Christian Bettaglia)
Midlife. Notice that I left the word “Crisis” out. Yes, it’s that magical time when you start to resemble your parents, your metabolism decides to hibernate, and your jeans mysteriously shrink. Fear not, for I am here to guide you through this treacherous period with humor, wit, and perhaps a touch of denial.
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Embrace the Gray: Let’s face it, gray hair is nature’s subtle way of saying, “You’ve earned this!” But hey, at least you don’t have to color it anymore. Unless, of course, you want to look like a particularly flamboyant parrot.
- Rediscover Your Body (or Pretend To): Remember when you could eat pizza for breakfast, down a six-pack or two, and still fit into your skinny jeans? For me, it was chocolate chip ice cream. Those days are gone, like your youthful metabolism. But fear not! There’s always Spanx. Or wine. (They say a little bit of red wine daily is good for you!)
- Rekindle Your Inner Child: Channel your inner five-year-old and rediscover the joy of jumping in puddles, eating that ice cream for breakfast, dancing as if no one’s watching, and blaming everything on your imaginary friend. Just be careful not to embarrass your kids or bother the neighbors.
- Question Everything: Why do socks disappear? Why do avocados have such a short lifespan? Where are the car keys? And why, oh why, do we buy things we never use? Why do there appear to be “Black Holes” in my brain? Embrace the existential crisis or ignore it completely. Your call. Or, you know, just buy more socks, but don’t forget that exercising your curiosity muscle in an anti-aging exercise.
- Find a New Hobby: Bored with life? Pick up a new hobby. Maybe it’s golf or the drums. Just remember, if you decide to learn a musical instrument, again remember your neighbors.
- Surround Yourself with Awesome People: Not only are good friends are like chocolate: rich, satisfying, and essential for survival, they are life’s gifts to us. So, nurture those relationships and ditch the toxic ones. (Does chocolate have an expiration date?) After all, you don’t have time for drama when you’re busy trying to figure out how to work that newfangled smartphone.
- Accept That You’re Not 25 Anymore: Your childhood toys are now in the Smithsonian and your body might be falling apart, but your wisdom is increasing (or at least that’s what you tell yourself). Embrace the nap, the cozy blanket, and the ability to quote classic movies or name those golden oldies without missing a beat. Let’s face it, those days of staying up all night and bouncing back like a rubber ball are over. Watch out pickleball!
- Digital Detox (Or At Least a Digital Diet): Unplug and reconnect with the real world. Yes, that includes those that tell you how to think about politics, bring you the latest catastrophe, or encourage endless scrolling on the toilet or in the bed. Trust us, your eyes, ears, and thumbs will thank you. Plus, you might actually start noticing the world around you, like the weird stain on the ceiling or all the dog walkers strolling by. You might discover that people are actually more interesting than the latest news channel. Or maybe not. But at least you’ll get some peace and quiet.
- Learn Something New: Keep your brain active. This is another of those anti-aging exercises that pay off. Expand your mind, or at least pretend to. Pick up a hobby like knitting or woodworking. You’ll either end up with a really ugly sweater or a piece of furniture that looks like it was designed by a drunk beaver. But hey, it’s the journey, not the destination (or the finished product) that counts.
- Give Back: Volunteering is like hitting the reset button on your life. It’s is a great way to feel good about yourself while simultaneously avoiding your own problems. Just don’t expect any awards or recognition. You’re doing this for the warm, fuzzy feeling, remember? After all, it just could be the purpose that propels you!
- Embrace Imperfection: We’re all a little messy (a little???), a bit crazy (a bit???), and completely lovable like walking disaster zones just trying to make it through the day. So, embrace your inner hot mess. We all make mistakes. It’s far more entertaining than pretending to be perfect. Besides, who wants to be that boring? Start being awesomely you.
- Cultivate Gratitude: Focus on the good stuff. Like having survived this long and the fact that you can still fit into your old bikini or speedos (or at least you think you can). And if you can’t, well, there’s always stretchy pants or muumuus. And if all else fails, take your medication, put on your readers, and count your blessings. Leave the mistakes in the rear view mirror.
- Take Care of Your Mental Health: Your brain is a delicate organ, so treat it with gentle kindness. If your brain feels like a scrambled egg, it might be time to seek professional help. Your still mind has been witnessing your busy brain grasping for answers for decades so thank it. Give it its proper attention by spending more time with it. Or, you could try counting sheep, drinking warm milk, or watching infomercials. Whatever works.
- Enjoy the Ride: Midlife is a rollercoaster full of ups, downs, and unexpected twists and turns. Our real task here may just be to collect as many experiences as possible. So buckle up, hold on tight, and enjoy the view. Remember, every day and every decade is a new adventure. And speaking of rides, you could view the Annual Outhouse Races in Virginia City, Nevada.
Conclusion: Yes, midlife might not mean being the spring chicken you once were, but you’re definitely a wiser, more experienced bird. In fact, it can be one of the most liberating, enjoyable of times, so fly high. Embrace your age, laugh at but don’t count your wrinkles, and enjoy the ride. You’ve survived streaking, disco, bell-bottom jeans, pet rocks, Cabbage Patch Kids, 8-Track Tapes, and a host of other maladies. Plus, you avoided arrest for all those telephone prank calls. You finally have the experience to embark on the best of life. And remember, if all else fails, there’s always chocolate. Or wine. Or gummies, Or all!
P.S. Having been propelled forward from mid-life into the elder zone, I may no longer be able to name that tune or that movie, but I can testify that all of the above will serve you as long as you are around. Enjoy!
