(Photo courtesy of Andhika Soreng/unsplash.com)
Every aspect of life falls into one of three distinct categories:
- Things we cannot control—like the economy, the weather, or what other people think.
- Things we cannot control but can influence—such as team morale, outcomes in business, or how others react to us.
- Things we can control—including our thoughts, decisions, actions, and how we choose to respond to life’s challenges.
The key to unlocking both personal and professional growth lies in understanding and managing these three areas. It’s a principle that all great leaders, philosophers, and thinkers have lived by. Let’s explore how mastering this framework can help you feel more in control and confident in your life.
Excitement vs. Confidence: Where is Your Focus?
If you crave excitement and variety, it’s natural to focus on what you can’t control. These factors are unpredictable—like how the weather changes or how the competition will perform. This unpredictability can bring adrenaline and anticipation but also a sense of anxiety or helplessness. For example, think of an entrepreneur constantly worried about market conditions. They may feel invigorated by the highs but crushed by the lows, with little sense of stability.
In contrast, if you want more confidence, shifting your focus to what you can control or influence is key. When we feel that we have some degree of influence or control, our sense of certainty and confidence grows. The late Kobe Bryant, one of basketball’s greatest players, would obsessively focus on his training and practice. He couldn’t control his opponents or referees, but he could control his preparation and how hard he worked every day. That’s what made him so formidable on the court. His confidence came from knowing he did everything in his power to be his best.
The Illusion of Control: Why Feeling in Control Matters
Here’s a paradox: control is mostly an illusion, yet it significantly impacts how we feel about our lives. You could have everything seemingly in place—an organized home, a stable job, healthy relationships—but still feel out of control. Conversely, someone else might face chaos but feel steady because they’re mentally equipped to handle it.
Take the example of Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor. Despite facing unimaginable horrors in a concentration camp, Frankl maintained that the one thing he could always control was his attitude. His experiences gave birth to the idea of finding meaning in life, even in the most difficult circumstances, which he outlined in his famous book Man’s Search for Meaning. Frankl taught that while external conditions might be out of our hands, we can always control how we respond, and therein lies our ultimate freedom.
The Stoics and The Serenity Prayer
Ancient Stoic philosophers like Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius were well aware of the boundaries between what we can and cannot control. They believed that true peace and confidence came from focusing only on what we can control. This principle has endured throughout history and is reflected in the famous Serenity Prayer:
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
This is not just a spiritual or philosophical statement but a practical tool for modern life. Every time we find ourselves obsessing over outcomes we can’t influence—whether it’s how others perceive us or the results of a big project—we must shift our focus back to what is within our realm of control.
Building Control and Confidence: Practical Steps
So how can we incorporate these ideas into our daily routines and build more control—and therefore confidence—in our lives? Here are three proven strategies:
- Make Your Bed: It may sound simple, but starting your day by making your bed sets the tone for success. It’s a small action, but it’s one you control, and it creates momentum for the rest of the day. Admiral William H. McRaven, in his book Make Your Bed, explains how this daily ritual gives you a sense of accomplishment right from the start. It may be a small victory, but it reinforces the idea that you have control over your environment.
- Create a Morning Routine: If there’s one part of your day you can completely own, it’s your morning. Establishing a consistent routine, whether it includes meditation, exercise, or reading, gives you control before the demands of the day begin. Successful individuals from podcaster/author Tim Ferriss to Oprah Winfrey swear by their morning rituals, which they use to prime themselves mentally and emotionally for the day ahead.
- Plan Your Week: Don’t let life “just happen” to you. By proactively planning your days and weeks, you take control of your time. This planning can include setting clear, manageable goals and outlining your top priorities. Even Elon Musk, who runs multiple companies, makes sure his time is planned to the minute, ensuring he stays focused on what truly matters and avoids distractions.
Conclusion: Focus on What You Can Control
Confidence and control are deeply intertwined. The more we focus on what we can control, the more confident we become. It’s about recognizing where we can take charge of our lives—our actions, decisions, and responses—while letting go of what we cannot.
As you go through your day, practice catching yourself whenever your attention drifts to things outside your control, and consciously bring it back to what you can influence. When you do this regularly, you’ll feel more grounded, more certain, and ultimately more confident in your ability to navigate whatever life throws your way.
Bob Fagan has just published “The Little Book of Questions That Matter — A Lifetime Companion For Transforming Your Life.” It is available on Amazon. Through 2025, all proceeds will be donated to charity.
