(Image by Nicola Konig, unsplash.com)
Are you an asshole? Have you ever been an asshole? If not an asshole, are you sometimes a challenge to deal or get along with? If you answered “yes” to any of this, don’t fret. Most of us have had our moments. Here are some ways out?
Let’s be honest: there are days when you wake up, look in the mirror, and realize you’re one snarky comment away from being an irredeemable jerk. Maybe you’re behind on sleep, or your coworker did that “thing” again, or the barista spelled your name “Michelle” instead of “Michele” for the millionth time. In those moments, it’s so easy to snap, to let the impatient, self-righteous side of you out to run wild. You might find yourself quietly snarling at the dog for barking, or throwing shade at the car in front of you for going two miles under the speed limit. But deep down, you don’t actually want to be That Person. The world’s already got enough negativity swirling around, like a cosmic junk drawer stuffed with all the frustrations we never sorted. The question is: How do we do better?
Step One: Own Your Inner Asshat
The first step to becoming less of an asshole is to admit you are one sometimes. It’s a humbling epiphany, the kind that can sting worse than your first heartbreak. But oh, the liberation when you finally say: “Yes, I can be difficult. I can be petty. I can be the person who cuts in line at the grocery store when I think no one’s watching.” We name it so it doesn’t own us.
Step Two: Practice Tiny Kindnesses
I know, I know. “Tiny kindnesses” sounds about as exciting as collecting lint. But here’s the thing: we often believe we need some grand philanthropic crusade to redeem ourselves. In reality, we just need small, daily gestures. Give your friend a sincere compliment. Smile at the cashier. Send that “Hey, I appreciate you” text to someone who is the invisible scaffolding in your life. It might feel awkward at first, like you’re reading from a script. But eventually, it becomes the real you. And you’ll be surprised how a simple “Thank you for being you” can dissolve a mountain of cynicism—both yours and someone else’s.
Step Three: Check Your Baggage (But Don’t Shame It)
If you’re a normal, breathing human being, you’ve got baggage—old hurts, regrets, insecurities. You might even have a matching luggage set of heartbreak, a carry-on of parental issues, or a trunkful of unprocessed rage from that time your best friend forgot your birthday. The problem isn’t the baggage itself. It’s what we do with it when we’re feeling threatened or run-down. We fling it around like confetti, spattering everyone else with the debris of our unresolved stuff. So, let’s practice noticing. When the temperature in your chest starts to rise, ask: “What’s happening inside me right now?” Then let yourself feel it, even if it’s not pretty. Because ignoring it only sets the stage for a meltdown at the next provocation.
Step Four: Rediscover Wonder
One thing that can break the asshole cycle is wonder. It’s a spiritual practice in itself, noticing that the sky is a different shade of pink tonight, or that your neighbor’s kid overcame stage fright in the school play. Being awed by small miracles pulls you out of the center of your self-important bubble. There’s this roomy perspective that emerges, a reminder that life is bigger than your petty irritations. When you let wonder flood in, you have less room for pettiness and more for gratitude.
Step Five: Build Boundaries (Yes, Even with Yourself)
Sometimes, you might need to protect others from your lesser angels. If you’re feeling like the day is shaping up to be one big meltdown, set some boundaries. For instance, maybe don’t scroll through that social media thread that’s guaranteed to enrage you. Don’t pick a fight with your spouse at 11 p.m. when you’re both exhausted. Don’t text your ex after your third glass of wine. By anticipating your triggers, you can short-circuit the avalanche of jerkiness that might otherwise tumble forth.
Step Six: Apologize Early and Often
No matter how hard you try, you’ll still slip up. You’ll say something cutting, or your impatience will boil over at the wrong time. Here’s the critical difference between continuing down the path of jerkdom and turning things around: apology. Not the halfhearted “sorry you got offended” brand, but the “I’m sorry for being hurtful, and I’m going to work on not doing it again” kind. It’s humbling. It’s uncomfortable. But it’s also a key step in mending relationships and your own soul. Each genuine apology is like dropping a pebble of peace into the pond of your daily life; the ripples can be healing, both for you and the people around you.
Step Seven: Practice Grace Toward Yourself
Paradoxically, being less of an asshole involves letting yourself be human. If you beat yourself up every time you fall short, you risk spiraling into shame and frustration, which ironically can lead you right back into more jerk-like behavior. A gentle sense of humor about your imperfections goes a long way. You forgot your friend’s birthday? Send a heartfelt note. You snapped at a coworker? Bring them a coffee the next day with a real apology. You are a work in progress, always. Embrace that, because the more compassion you show yourself, the more you’ll have for others.
Step Eight: Keep Showing Up
Transformation isn’t an overnight phenomenon. It’s the sum of daily choices, daily acts of kindness, and daily moments of humility. Some days, you’ll crush it—radiating compassion and wit like you’re the Dalai Lama’s stand-up comic understudy. Other days, you’ll find yourself impatient in traffic, cursing the slow driver as though they’re personally sabotaging your future. That’s okay. Keep showing up. Keep trying again. Because it’s in this process of messing up, apologizing, and leaning in to do better that we become the kinder, more authentic people we want to be.
Why It Matters
We live in a world that can feel harsh and chaotic. People are hurting, and it’s all too easy to add to the negativity. It’s not always easy being a decent human. But every time we choose to be a bit kinder, to be just a smidge less reactive, we do our part in weaving a more compassionate tapestry for everyone else. So, maybe that’s what it’s all about: acknowledging our capacity for jerkiness while stepping steadily toward grace. In doing so, we help ourselves and each other rediscover the hope and beauty that still exists in the cracks of daily life.
Remember: The journey toward being less of an asshole isn’t about becoming a saint overnight. It’s about recognizing that your actions matter, your words matter, and the small choices you make can either heal or harm. May you choose healing more often than not—and find, in the process, that you’re worthy of love and belonging, flaws and all.
