How to Find that (Almost) Perfect Mate

As a Coach I will pursue wherever the journeys my clients may take me.  I’ve interviewed well over 1,500 men and women who happen to be single and many who are also hoping to meet that “right person.”  Are you one?

There is no “silver bullet” to attracting the person of your dreams, but rather it is the overall energy you are putting forth and what you are focusing upon that dictates your progress.

In order to meet or keep that special person, you first should endeavor to become the best person you can be yourself.  In essence, be the person you want to attract. Do you really think that the 28% version of your best self is going to attract and retain the 100% person you want to discover?  Of course not!

Too often, both men and women lose sight of who they really are or have become.  We become outwardly focused looking for someone to “complete us.”  Rather we might do better by trying to “complete ourselves” or at least improving ourselves first before aggressively searching for a partner.  When we fail to do so, we will often reap disappointment and then try other tactics, which only result in frustration.  Thus it helps to look inwardly at yourself before you cast a critical eye outward.

I will share my thoughts about two relationship issues:

Ø  What criteria should you consider when you conduct your self-inventory?

Ø  Are you looking to attract the “right type” of person?

There are the four areas to start with in your self-inventory:  your spirituality, physicality, intellectuality, and financial status.  If you want to attract fabulous, you, too, had better be fabulous in these areas.

Spiritual: Are you forgiving, fun, enjoy and love yourself, tolerant, and kind?  How about being patient, present, loving, and able to communicate your feelings?  Conversely, are you the opposite of these?  You might rate positively in several areas and not in a couple. Your self-assessment does not dictate you as good or bad, but rather it is only dictating what kind of energy you are putting forth and will attract back.  Are you emotionally happy and loving of yourself, or do you hold bad memories? Are you fearful or a joyful spirit?  Do you hold grudges?  Are you quick to anger?  Is you a glass “half full” or “half empty” person?  Are you loyal, calm, and fun to be around? Do others feel you have a sense of humor?  Do you keep your commitments?  Do you set reasonable boundaries for what works for you and what doesn’t in relationships?  Is your self very important to you or do you put other’s needs equal to or greater than your own.  Are you impatient, guilty, or ashamed?

Obviously some of these areas hold negative connotations, but release those judgments and simply assess yourself.  This is more an area for self-exploration than anything else.  Once done, you can do nothing or you have the option of working on any area or even consulting a coach or therapist to help you, but forgive yourself in advance.  Wouldn’t loving yourself in a sincere, not narcissistic way be a nice way for someone to love you as well? If so, extend yourself the favor first

Intellectual: Courage is not the absence of fear, rather the triumph over it. When we cocoon ourselves in a cloak of safety, we block ourselves from the world’s marvels creating a very “small world.” Could you envision yourself having the courage to triumph over fear?  This is not a reflection of your formal education or lack thereof, but more about your curiosity.  Are you curious?  Do you aspire to grow?  Are you willing to research, take reasonable risks, and make rational decisions?  Are you able to adequately take care not only for yourself, but also those around you?  Are you a good listener, a reader, and someone who attempts new experiences, skills, and associations?  Are you both interested and interesting?  Are you optimistic about the future or do you always lift an umbrella of fear?  How competent are you and in what areas?  Perhaps you might seek the feedback of a friend or associate on these matters as well.

Physical: This refers to your appearance, exercise, and diet and reflects in your health, appearance, and energy level.

If you seek a physically fit partner and are you one yourself?  If you want “healthy,” are you yourself healthy?  If you want “attractive,” do you do what you can to present yourself in the best light?  Do you exude confidence and feel fabulous?

How often per week do you break a sweat exercising?  How far do you walk or climb stairs each day?  Can you do at least ten push-ups or how about a single pull-up?  Do you stretch?  Is your waistline small, medium or an embarrassment to you?  Or do you even care?

As far as appearance is concerned, are you neatly groomed and wear clothing that accentuates your assets?  Are you relatively up-to-date on fashion or are you “over the top” on it or do you reject the fashion norms?  Is your hygiene first-rate (teeth, hair, hands and nails, private parts, etc.) and do you use sun-blocking products and avoid long periods of sun exposure.  Do you have a regular skin care regimen?  Is your appearance tied to perfection, the opposite or somewhere in between?

How about your diet?  Do you consume many processed foods, soft drinks, alcohol, and other sugary food and if so, in moderation or not?  Do you smoke? Do you consume plenty of water and avoid fatty foods.  What is the frequency of your eating and your portion size?  Do you favor a heavy meat diet or are you a Vegan?  Do you eat plenty of leafy vegetables?  In short, would you describe your diet as healthy and enabling, or disabling?

Financial Status: At the very basic level, this refers to our ability to provide.  Women have traditionally looked toward men to bear this burden, but financial status can work the other way as well.  Few financially successful men who are also emotionally healthy want to take on a woman who has exercised either no judgment or poor decision-making.  (There can always be extenuating circumstances for everyone in this area.)  Too much of a disparity between two partners can cause its own problems.  That said, you want to always have your own financial house in order.

Do you have a viable source of income or enough savings to adequately provide for yourself?  If you don’t, if you also are encumbered in various forms of debt, that can be a problem.  Do you have a will (if you don’t, immediately get one)?  Do you have a financial plan and trusted worthy advisors who can supplement your knowledge?  If your answer is “no” to any of these financial questions, you should take action to improve your standing.  Do you like to spend or save or are you somewhere in between?  When people have many choices and options nowadays in whom they attract, can you see why someone with financial difficulties would be unattractive?

Type of Person You are Seeking?

Next you may be seeking the wrong type of partner and are destined to a frustrating merry-go-round of disappointing relationships.  Here is a checklist “P-L-E-A-S-U-R-E” I first learned of from a professional matchmaker, Melinda Maximova of San Francisco.  It was focused upon the qualities women might best seek in a man, but most of them also apply to men seeking women too.  This is Melinda’s list with a few minor modifications:

Provider – While the man has traditionally in American culture been seen as the provider, so too it is important that the woman be somewhat self-sufficient and not overly needy.  Do you really want to assume the stress of another’s financial baggage?

Loyal – For a lasting relationship, don’t we all want loyalty?

Empathetic – Does your potential partner care about others or are they self-absorbed.  How they treat others will sooner or later be the way they treat you.  Someone who is quite self-absorbed may not have the energy, time, or attention to contribute much to a healthy relationship.  Compassion and empathy are prerequisites to a loving relationship.

Aspiring – A growing, learning, curious, interested, ambitious person is so much more vital and attractive than one who is static and content to just be blown around by the winds of life.

Self-less – Most of us, if we are truly to commit to a relationship, want someone who is more on the self-less as opposed to the selfish side.  All relationships require an element of compromise and the selfish struggle with compromise.

Useful – Is your partner useful or not?  Are they helpless or do they have the wherewithal to find help when they don’t have the answers?

Rational – Is the person rational or a temperamental hothead?  Healthy relationships require maturity, thoughtfulness, and communications.  If your target lacks these, your chances for happily living together are virtually nil.

Endearing – Is your partner endearing to you and to others as opposed to being hurtful and unkind?  Are they bitter or angry?  Sometimes the “Friends & Family Test” is a good barometer to check on this, as when we are infatuated, we when are not on very solid ground to exercise good judgment.

Warning to women: Maximova signals these warning signals to women.  It’s been my experience that as women mature, they are more interested in the above “P-L-E-A-S-U-R-E” elements, but early on they often go for “M-I-S-H-A-P”Mysterious, Interesting, Sexy, Handsome, Affluent, and Passionate.  I would add Self-Absorbed. And men, the same pretty much applies to us.  Granted these qualities can be pretty alluring, but they don’t make for a good long-term choice without the “P-L-E-A-S-U-R-E” formula first given its full due.

As you progress through your own process of refining and becoming your best self, you will send out the very attractive energies of confidence and self-worth, which are very sexy.  Trust this process and detach from the timing and outcome of the results.  This is not a straight-line process.  What’s more, you may also discover that losing yourself in the process may be one of the most delicious benefits culminating in connecting with that wonderful partner.

The Law of Attraction dictates that when you focus upon what you want, rather than what you don’t want, those things will eventually manifest for you.  That said, you must ask for what you want, believe and feel you are already in possession of it, take inspired action, and be in alignment to receive.  Being in alignment means that you should be the person you want to attract, and so why not be the best person – your best self!

Author & Coach Bob Fagan

Bob Fagan is a “Performance Coach” who works world-wide and can be reached at

One Response to “How to Find that (Almost) Perfect Mate”

  1. Laura Livengood

    Bob, in five years of dating since my divorce, this is probably the single most useful thing I’ve read. Not only did you help me see my areas of strength (thank you!) but you also helped me face the areas I’ve been avoiding, perhaps in the hopes that someone else will come along and take care of them for me. The byproduct, perhaps, of being married half of my life, but one can only wait so long for someone else to take the garbage out, right?

    Oh, and you are so right on with “P-L-E-A-S-U-R-E” and “M-I-S-H-A-P.” I’ve experienced two of the latter within the past year and was seriously started to doubt my own judgment. Good chemistry and the benefit of the doubt can fool you for awhile; but thankfully not for long. Still, missed connections are sad, even if they are educational.

    It’s interesting how many never-married no-kids men (and I imagine women as well) fall short in the (E)mpathetic and (S)elfless categories; you can be blinded for awhile by their freedom, skills and accomplishments, and perhaps by the beautiful way they live and care for themselves, but in time you realize how self-centered all of it is. The needs of “others” don’t seem to factor in the way they do with someone who has done the humbling work of committed relationship and parenting. I don’t wish to over-generalize, but this has been my experience, over and over again.

    (So, of course, I get to turn that around and figure out why I’m attracting that particular kind of energy, don’t I? dang…)

    Thanks, also, for the reminder that this is not a linear path. “Trust this process and detach from the timing and outcome of the results.” That is a tall order for someone who likes to feel in control. The old mantra “Show up, Pay attention, Tell the truth and Don’t be attached to the outcome” comes to mind; it certainly holds true for dating.

    Thanks for the blissipline…

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