It was widely reported today that the famed “Eisenhower Tree,” which faithfully guarded the left side of the 17th fairway at Augusta National Golf Club for so many years, had fallen victim to an ice storm. Speaking on condition of anonymity, however, a highly placed and nominally reliable source in the White House has just confirmed to me that the destruction of this revered and even beloved tree was no accident. In fact, I have just been informed that the Eisenhower tree did NOT fall victim to Mother Nature and her icy wrath — but to a secret black-ops team operated by the NSA.
My source confirmed that the tree was in fact sabotaged by a series of X- and gamma-ray pulses sent from an NSA-owned telecommunications satellite that has been in geosynchronous orbit over Augusta since the latter years of the first Clinton administration. My source also confirmed that the tree will soon be replaced by “The Obama Tree,” a 125-foot artificial spruce loaded with the latest in cellular and LAN eavesdropping technology. My source said, and I quote: “Yes, we took it out. We’ve always wanted a primary intelligence source on-property to gather vital data on all the high-level deals being made during rounds of golf there. The recent storm in Georgia gave us the perfect cover. The data that the new tree will gather will help keep America safe. And besides, it always bothered us that a far-left tree like that one was named for a far-right president. So it seemed like the right thing to do.”
As of 11 am, the White House had not returned phone calls requesting comment on this breaking news story. Nor had anyone at Augusta National spoken on the record, except to say that if it’s proven to be true that the White House and NSA had a hand in its demise, their Masters grounds passes would immediately be revoked without appeal.