(Photo courtesy of Lisa Yount)
In a society where status and wealth are seen as ultimate goals, there’s a curious race that many unknowingly participate in: becoming the richest person in the graveyard. While some aspire to leave a legacy of kindness, service, creativity, or philanthropy, others aim to outdo their neighbors in the afterlife with unused wealth. But why is it so crucial to win this macabre competition? Let’s delve into the delightful absurdity of this ambition.
1. The Ultimate Investment: Eternal Prestige
Being the wealthiest in the graveyard comes with eternal bragging rights. Imagine future generations strolling through a cemetery and discovering your grand mausoleum. They’d pause, take in the grandeur, and whisper, “This person must have been loaded!” It’s the ultimate status symbol, ensuring your prestige lasts well beyond your earthly years. Who cares if you can’t take it with you? Your marble mansion will stand as a testament to your unrivaled success, outshining the modest headstones of your lesser-funded neighbors.
2. Luxury Afterlife Accommodations
Why settle for a simple plot when you can have an entire suite? The richer you are, the more opulent your final resting place can be. Think Egyptian pharaoh-style pyramids or mausoleums with built-in sound systems for posthumous playlists. Who wouldn’t want to spend eternity in comfort? Gold-plated coffins, velvet interiors, and perhaps even a butler statue to greet visitors—all these can be yours if you ensure you’re the richest in the afterlife.
3. Post-Mortem Networking Opportunities
Networking isn’t just for the living. As the wealthiest inhabitant of the graveyard, you’ll naturally attract the interest of other wealthy spirits. Think of the conversations! You can trade stock tips, discuss the latest trends in afterlife fashion, or simply brag about the size of your crypt. You might even start a “Rich Spirits Society,” organizing exclusive ghostly galas where only the elite specters are invited. It’s all about keeping up appearances, even in the hereafter.
4. Setting an Example for the Living
Your quest to be the richest in the graveyard serves as a powerful motivator for the living. “If I can accumulate this much wealth for the afterlife,” your example says, “imagine what you could do while still alive!” It’s an inspirational story, really. Parents will tell their children, “Work hard, and you could be like the richest person in the graveyard!” It’s all about leaving a lasting impact—preferably in the form of an impressively large and ostentatious monument.
5. The Perks of Eternal Philanthropy
And let’s not forget the opportunities for posthumous philanthropy. While alive, many people set up charitable foundations or endowments. But what if you left behind a fortune specifically for the maintenance and beautification of your grave? You could employ a full-time gardener, a historian to recount your life story to curious visitors, and perhaps even a team of security guards to keep the riffraff away. This not only secures your place as the richest but also the most well-cared-for resident of the cemetery.
6. A Final Laugh at Mortality
Ultimately, the desire to be the richest person in the graveyard is the ultimate prank on mortality itself. It’s a grand joke, a way of saying, “Even in death, I still win!” It’s the ultimate denial of the old adage “You can’t take it with you.” While you may not be able to enjoy your wealth, knowing that your name is etched on the grandest, most expensive monument offers a peculiar kind of satisfaction. It’s a way of staying in the game, long after you’ve cashed in your chips.
There you have it—six compelling reasons to aim for the top spot in the graveyard wealth rankings. None of them make any sense to me, but if you observe our modern media, you would think that fortune and fame are the things we should aspire. Three generations from now, few will know or care about you. That said, while others focus on their impact on the world or the love they shared, the truly ambitious know that the real goal is to leave behind the most extravagant proof of their success. Then again, don’t the King and the Pawn go back into the same box when the game is over?
P.S. If you were to stack everything you ever bought or owned in your life on a football field, how high would the pile be? Would you need another football field?
