(Image courtesy of Daniel Pascoa)
I’ve been around for a good long while, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that life is full of “shoulds.” You know what I mean: “You should do this,” “You should have done that,” or “You should absolutely, definitely eat more kale.” “Should” is like that friend who shows up uninvited and hangs around with opinions nobody asked for.
Now, don’t get me wrong—I’m not saying all “shoulds” are bad. Some are useful, like “You should wear your seatbelt” or as my wife would tell me “You should probably check the expiration date on that.” But many of the “shoulds” we encounter are more like overly strict rules someone made up along the way and passed down, and somehow we all decided to follow along without asking questions.
Take a look at society’s idea of a “successful life.” There’s this unwritten list: You should go to college, should get a good job, should settle down by a certain age, should buy a house, should save for retirement, should… you get the picture. The list goes on and on. I know, I’ve been guilty of plenty of expounding on the “shoulds.” Somewhere along the line, though, I started wondering why we put so much stock in this grand list of “shoulds.” Who even wrote this list? And did they have any fun at all?
Here’s the thing: life isn’t one-size-fits-all, and “should” doesn’t mean “must.” Just because there’s a well-worn path doesn’t mean you can’t take a scenic route every now and then. Maybe you should go for the promotion, but maybe you’re happier sticking where you are and spending more time with your family. You might hear that you should be saving every penny, but a spontaneous road trip with your friends might give you memories that are worth every dollar.
Let me give you a little personal example. Just after college, running was the craze. I was told I should run every morning because it’s “the best way to stay fit.” So I gave it a shot. Every morning, I’d lace up my sneakers and jog around the neighborhood, barely awake and huffing along with all the enthusiasm of a sloth in a marathon. But I kept at it because I thought I “should.” Then one day, I realized there was no fitness coach lurking around the corner waiting to shame me if I stopped. So, I quit the morning runs and switched to evening walks, which I actually enjoy. And guess what? My knees, feet, hips, and weight are all doing okay and I’m still in good shape, and a whole lot happier with my new routine.
The “shoulds” in life can box you in if you’re not careful. They can make you feel like you’re behind or that you’re failing if you’re not checking off every item on some imaginary list. But here’s the truth: nobody gets to the end of their life and wishes they’d followed more “shoulds.” We wish for more laughter, more love, more courage to do things our own way.
Think about it: kids don’t care about “shoulds.” They don’t worry about what’s proper or productive; they do what makes them happy. Ever watch a child refuse to eat broccoli while crafting an elaborate story about dragons? They’re busy creating their own world, “shoulds” be damned. Somewhere along the way, we lose that freedom to just be and do what feels right. We get so wrapped up in society’s expectations that we forget we have a choice in the matter.
At this stage of the game, I’ve decided that life is less about doing what you “should” and more about doing what brings you joy, peace, and a sense of purpose. Yes, be reasonable, but sometimes you should take the road less traveled, not because it’s the “right” path, but because it’s the one that lets you dance a little. And yes, you should get up early every now and then, but if you sleep in on a Sunday and wake up to the sound of birds chirping at 10 a.m., I say that’s a gift, not a missed opportunity.
So, my advice to you is this: listen to your own voice a little more. The world will always be full of people telling you what you should do, but they’re not the ones living your life. You are. So, put down the kale if it doesn’t taste good to you. Take that extra nap. Spend a day doing absolutely nothing if that’s what your soul needs. Don’t worry about all the “shoulds” you’ve been handed; worry about the life you want to live.
And, most importantly, don’t let anyone (not even yourself!) tell you you should have done things differently. Your life, your choices, and the moments that make you smile are all the things that make it worth living. So, the next time a “should” comes knocking, ask yourself: “Do I want this? Will it bring me joy? It is harmless?” If the answer is yes, go for it. If not, feel free to send that “should” on its merry way.
Bob Fagan has just published “The Little Book of Questions That Matter — A Lifetime Companion For Transforming Your Life.” It is available on Amazon.
