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Let me repeat this title question. “What if everything you ever wanted wasn’t what you actually wanted?” Let’s expand that, “What if everything you ever wanted wasn’t what you actually wanted? This is a biggie. If you can fully answer that question in less than thirty minutes, I would assess that you’re glossing over it and probably don’t grasp its full meaning. Sorry. Not only can this be a transformational question that I’ve used on numerous clients, but it has resulted in some major positive shifts in my life as well. Don’t even try to answer this one in a day or two, but rather allow it to marinate. It’s a question I will continue to ask myself. Look at all your relationships and interactions over the next days, weeks, and even months. Let me explain.
We all have dreams we chase. We get pulled or sucked into some. The perfect career, a dream house, certain accomplishments, the ideal relationship—these are the goals society teaches us to strive for. But what if, after all the effort, achievement, and accolades, you discovered that what you wanted wasn’t what you truly needed? What if the ladder you’ve been climbing was leaning against the wrong wall? Yes, this question, uncomfortable as it may seem, is one worth sitting with. Because sometimes, the things we think we want are just reflections of what we’ve been told to want.
In our consumer-driven, achievement-obsessed culture, it’s easy to equate success with happiness. Bigger paychecks, more likes on social media, a bigger house—all of these become symbols of a life well-lived. But as motivational speaker Tony Robbins points out, “Success without fulfillment is the ultimate failure.” We can reach our goals only to find they don’t fill the void we expected them to. Consider how many people follow a traditional path: graduate, get a good job, buy a home, start a family. These are wonderful milestones, but are they truly what everyone wants—or are they just what we’ve been conditioned to pursue? The result is often an unspoken dissatisfaction, a feeling of, “Is this it?”
Jim Carrey famously said, “I wish everyone could get rich and famous and have everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.” His words highlight a profound truth: external accomplishments rarely provide the lasting happiness we crave. Consider the case of many of my clients, people who have “made it” in the traditional sense. They report a strange sense of emptiness after achieving their goals. Olympic athletes, for example, often experience what’s called “post-Olympic depression.” After years of training and finally reaching the pinnacle of success, they find themselves asking, “What now?”
Part of the issue is that many of our goals are externally driven. We want the promotion because it looks good. We want the car because it impresses others. We want the lifestyle because it fits an Instagram-worthy ideal. We want the accomplishment because it may have proved something. But psychologist Carl Rogers argued that true fulfillment comes from congruence—living a life aligned with your authentic self. When your actions and choices reflect who you truly are, rather than who you think you should be, that’s when real happiness emerges. So, ask yourself: Are you chasing goals that align with your values, or are you chasing what you think you should value?
If you’ve ever achieved something only to find it wasn’t as fulfilling as you hoped, it might be time to reevaluate. Here’s how to begin: Pause and reflect. In the rush of life, we rarely take time to ask ourselves if we’re on the right path. Set aside quiet moments to journal, meditate, or simply think. What brings you joy? What makes you lose track of time? The answers might surprise you. Revisit your why. Author Simon Sinek says, “Start with why.” Ask yourself why you’re pursuing your current goals. If the answer doesn’t excite you or feels hollow, it might be time to pivot. Define success on your terms. Success is subjective. For some, it’s financial stability; for others, it’s creative freedom or close relationships. Clarify what success looks like for you, not for anyone else. Experiment and explore. Sometimes, we don’t know what we want until we try different paths. Give yourself permission to experiment. Take a class, switch careers, or travel somewhere new. Exploration often leads to unexpected clarity. This can take time, so don’t rush it.
Realizing that what you thought you wanted isn’t actually what you need can feel disorienting, but it’s also liberating. It gives you permission to let go of societal expectations and live life on your own terms. Author Joseph Campbell put it best: “We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” Letting go doesn’t mean giving up—it means making space. Space for the things that truly matter, the things that light you up, the things you never realized you needed. It’s not about doing more; it’s about aligning your actions with your heart.
What if everything you’ve ever wanted wasn’t what you actually wanted? It’s a question that has the power to shake up your life—but in the best way. It has no downside. By examining your goals, questioning your motivations, and listening to your authentic self, you can start to build a life that feels genuinely fulfilling. It’s never too late to pivot. The ladder you’re climbing can always be moved to a different wall. And when you do, you may find that the view from the top is better than you ever imagined.
Bob Fagan has just published “The Little Book of Questions That Matter — A Lifetime Companion For Transforming Your Life.” It is available on Amazon. All proceeds through 2025 will be donated to charity.
