1. Show some courtesy. And cogency. If you think of my seat back like a trebuchet, and my head like the projectile you’d be shooting with said trebuchet, every time you pull on my seat back with all your weight to lift yourself up to shuffle useless crap in and out of your too-large bag in the overhead rack, you snap my head forward at a high rate of speed. You have a seat back too, so this just shouldn’t be so hard to understand.
2. Take a load off. That backpack you’ve got slung over your shoulder that’s not going to fit above, under, or [select other preposition here ] your seat? As you walk down the aisle past passengers already in their seats because they were on time for the flight, you hit every one of them in the face. I’m the guy who unzipped your computer pocket as you went past.
3. Take a load off, part deux. If you’re so large that you are actually in my seat, too, you need to buy another seat or fly cargo. Nobody sits on my lap without at least buying me a drink first.
4. Take it down a notch. Did you know that other people on the plane can actually hear your phone conversation before takeoff, unless you pull down the cone of silence from above your seat?
5. Don’t tell the flight attendant that your meal isn’t fit for a pig– she might bring you something that is.
6. Don’t look at me with that “isn’t-my-baby-cute” stare. Especially when he’s . . .
A) Spitting up
C) Singing the Barney song. For the 200th time.
D) Kicking the back of my seat like a boxer working the light bag.
7. Take it down another notch. Your headphones are so loud they’re affecting the landing gear. And dogs on the ground are howling. I thought you were wearing headphones so nobody else could hear your lousy music.
8. Please don’t ask me to change seats with you– especially since yours is a middle seat. Did you know that you can actually choose your seat in advance if you think to check in more than five seconds before the flight is scheduled to leave?
9. Don’t ask for an upgrade to business class because you’ve had a tough day, your last flight was delayed, you have long legs, you are claustrophobic, your prescription isn’t working and you don’t want to scare neighboring passengers, or your dog ate your homework.
10. Stay home.